Let's Talk About Sex
by Dreamstallion33
Summary: Takes place during Edward's bachelor party. Fluff and mild-sexual references. Edward's PoV. ONESHOT! R&R “Really Edward, some people think eternal damnation and marriage are synonymous.”


**Author's Note:** This idea popped into my head recently and hasn't stopped nagging me. It was really fun and silly to write. I hope everyone likes this little snack! Reviews are adored!

_The Twilight Fanfiction Awards: Funniest Quote in A Fanfic-WINNER!__  
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**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to the wonderfully creative Stephenie Meyer! Thanks to her procrastinating doing homework is all too easy, now!

ENJOY!

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**Let's Talk About Sex**

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I halted mid-sprint to better smell my surroundings. The warm air that had brushed passed my face ceased completely. The odors about reflected the dampness of the forest.

I took a long breath through my nose; searching. The musty smell of dank fur, deer and fresh blood met my nose. _Ah_. A well fed mountain lion was near. It was clear from the scent that the lion had just finished off its own lunch. _Perfect_. It was probably preparing to sleep off the venison. The lion's belly would be too full to put a lot of effort into preserving it's life.

As I crouched in the direction of the scent a low growl reached my ears from behind. I didn't have the slightest idea what was attacking me as I was launched toward the ground in a caged grip. I closed my eyes and braced myself for a fall that wouldn't hurt.

Suddenly there was barking laughter mixed in with Emmett's mind voice. _"Ha ha! GOT YA!" _

I kept my face mashed to the grass and lay perfectly still as he got up. If I moved, Emmett would push me, effortlessly to the ground again. I heard him brush his clothes free of leaves and dirt. He nudged me in the ribs with his foot. I didn't move.

"Oh come on Edward! It's your bachelor party! You're not even _trying_ to have fun!"

I heard Jasper emerge from the trees and looked up. He was smiling as he wiped his mouth. He smelled of my mountain lion. I sighed into the grass.

"Emmett you can tell Bella you broke Edward," Jasper called with a laugh.

Emmett rolled his eyes, "You know Edward it wouldn't _kill you_ to be away from her for a _few_ hours."

"You're right, it wouldn't. I'm already dead," I mumbled.

"Now you're just being a party pooper!" Emmett kicked me in the ribs again. I grabbed his outstretched foot and yanked it from under him. The ground shuddered with his fall.

Jasper laughed uncontrollably. I sat up and smirked, "Happy?"

Emmett was back on his feet as I leaned casually on my elbows. "Hey, it's your bachelor party. You only have one and if—"

"One? You and Jasper have had nearly fifty combined! I know! I've planned every one," I exaggerated.

"Look Edward, all I'm trying to say is if you want to be miserable then fine! You'll be like every other bachelor at their party on the planet anyway."

"I'm not miserable!" I growled.

Jasper came to sit on a rock nearby. "Then what _are_ you? Because you're _not_ happy."

I gulped. I was happy. _Wasn't I_? This _is _what I want. Then why do I feel incredibly burdened? I _want_ to marry Bella. And I am happy. Euphoric. Because she wants to marry me. We had an agreement…

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was anxious. This would be my greatest joy. And yet I was agonizingly anxious. No nervous. And scared. As a vampire, fear was not a commonly experienced emotion. _I was frightening_. But very few things should frighten me. And yet because of this agreement Bella and I had I was practically shaking in my boots…

This would be the end of me. I was going to regret ever accepting her terms. I wasn't strong enough for this. I wasn't strong enough to rein in my strength. And how was I going to explain this to my brothers? I _had_ to explain…I needed their _experienced_ help…

I opened my eyes and sighed. Jasper stared at me, his eyes and mind blazing with questions. Emmett quickly realized that I had something serious on my mind and sat beside Jasper. The rock cracked. Jasper punched Emmett in the shoulder for disturbing his seat and then moved to the ground, still waiting for me to speak.

I opened my mouth to begin. But Emmett interrupted.

"Wait! I can tell there's going to be some serious male bonding. I'll be right back!"

Jasper opened his mouth to protest but I just nodded my head at Emmett as he darted into the denser part of the forest.

Jasper glared at me, "What's he doing?"

"Getting a log to sit on," I shrugged.

"How does that help us?"

I rolled my eyes. Emmett returned, naturally hauling a large tree trunk, several minutes later.

"Did you just knock that down?"

"Yup!" Emmett grinned, clearly completely thrilled with himself.

"_Why_?" Jasper and I asked together.

"When I was a human and my friends and I would go camping, since we were well past the years of ghost stories, we invented the 'truth log.' Basically anyone sitting on the log had to talk about something they didn't want to share. The game usually ended when someone would make a joke about something _I _said and then I'd tackle them. Anyway, get on the log Edward!"

Jasper was laughing hysterically. I glowered at him, "Jasper, you're next then! This _is_ _my_ bachelor party."

"That's the spirit!" Emmett cheered setting the log down, gently.

Jasper scoffed, "As if you don't already know _everything_ about us Edward!"

I lithely moved to sit on the log, feeling silly and even more apprehensive.

Emmett sat facing me; his eyes alight with pure glee. Jasper moved closer, laying on his stomach and propping his chin up on his fists.

I sighed. They waited. The seconds stretched on. I sighed again.

This was a conversation that was long past my years. I wasn't some hormonal thirteen year old looking for sex under every skirt I encountered. I had never been like that anyway. I had grown up in a time and place where things like virginity were sacred…to women at least. Virginity was never really sacred to men. Yet I had kept mine. And it wasn't that I didn't want to have sex with Bella…it had gotten easier to be near her every time I kissed her, but at the same time it had gotten harder to resist my other _more human_ primal urges. I sighed for the third time.

"Seriously Edward I will kill you if you don't start talking!" Emmett looked impatient.

"Wow! _I'll _bite Bella just to see her get her—"

I threw myself on Jasper and pinned his hands behind his head, while my knee jammed into his abdomen.

"This is just like when I was a human! Nice job, Edward," Emmett looked absolutely delighted.

Jasper chuckled, "Relax, it was a joke!"

I didn't have the concentration to wrestle with Jasper just then. I stood up and moved back to the log, looking forlorn.

"You know this isn't really fair," Emmett looked indignant. "You can so easily hear what's on our minds but when something is bothering you, you won't share!"

Jasper and Emmett cocked their heads at me waiting for my reaction. I put my face in my hands and shook my head. Raising it half-way I looked at my brothers. "I don't know what I'm doing!"

"Really Edward, some people think eternal damnation and marriage are synonymous," Jasper sniggered.

That lightened my mood some as the laugh escaped me. I shook my head, "I'm not worried about getting married. I _want_ to get married."

"Wouldn't know it the way you've been carrying on," Emmett said sarcastically. "If that's not it, then how come you're still sitting on the truth log? It's your own bachelor party and you haven't had anything to drink!"

"Funny, Emmett," I smirked. It was then that I just gave in. If I kept stalling they wouldn't be able to help me and then I'd be worse off. "I'm worried about Isle Esme…"

Jasper sat upright. Emmett looked momentarily confused, "The Island is fine. And Carlisle and Esme are happy you're using it for your honeymoon—_OH_!"

Jasper moved to sit next to me. "Edward, sex is…fun!"

"I'm sure it is. But I don't want to make any…_mistakes_," I hung my head again.

"I'm sure Bella's not going to run screaming if you're terrible. She _had_ her opportunities to do that already."

"JASPER!" I glared at him. "I don't care how _good _I am…Well I do but that's not the point! With me, I'm worried if Bella will even have the opportunity to scream…

"Oh, she'll scream…" Emmett chimed in.

"I could break Bella if I'm not careful!" I couldn't go through with this. Bella was going to hate me, but I just couldn't.

"You'll be fine! You're gentler than you realize, Edward," Jasper was consoling again.

"You have gotten kind of soft," Emmett teased.

"But where's the fun if I hurt Bella?"

"Just keep your head," Emmett sniggered and tried to explain, "Not the _head_…The other…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" He looked serious, "But don't sacrifice your own enjoyment."

"If you have something to hold onto while you're…well that might help…" Jasper was being supportive.

"That's actually not a bad idea. Hmmm…when Rosalie and I had sex on the second floor of our third house, we ended up crashing onto the first floor. Falling has a nice effect too!"

Jasper snarled at Emmett, "It won't help if he falls on top of Bella!"

I put my face in my hands again. This was never going to work.

"Hmmm...Girl on top then!" Emmett said, sounding very pleased with this suggestion.

"Actually don't do anything experimental!" Jasper suggested.

I could tell he was talking from experience as I was plunged into his most recent memory with Alice which included a lot of leather, shackles and whips. Instinctively I extended my fist toward Jasper. I hit his nose with a resounding crack.

"If you hit me one more time, Edward, your honeymoon will be the least of your worries! You know you don't _always_ have to know what everyone is thinking!" Jasper looked exasperated.

"Hey Jasper! You have to be happy this wedding is happening, finally. Alice has been so preoccupied. You must be so deprived," Emmett taunted.

Jasper looked all-knowing, "Since I am sitting on the truth log, you should know that Alice and I have had plenty of sex in plenty of places since she started planning the wedding. Actually just the other day we did it in your closet while you and Rosalie tried not to destroy the Wrangler."

"I wanted new upholstery anyway. And why were the two of in our room in the first place?"

"I was looking for you and Alice was just sitting in your room waiting for me, as usual."

"Tell Alice to consider new upholstery for her Porsche then! This is war!"

This wasn't helping. I mean at least they hadn't laughed at me, which is what I'd been expecting. But none of this was making me feel more at ease. I would talk to Carlisle, though I doubted that would make this any easier. He'd be more helpful than my brothers. They didn't understand…it was too dangerous for me to be having sex with Bella. _What good could possibly come out of it?_ It would be easier when she was a vampire.

"Are we done?" I asked, feeling bored, dejected and self-loathing.

"You should be taking notes, Edward. You really could learn a thing or two," Emmett ribbed.

"I'll use my own moves, thanks," I shrugged.

"Since when do you have moves?" Emmett tried not to snigger.

I looked at Emmett, mockingly insulted, "Haven't you heard? I dazzle Bella."

Emmett chuckled nonchalantly. "And I like to spank Rosalie when she's cranky!"

Immediately I was forced to see Rosalie's bare back and their room in complete disarray as Emmett reminisced.

"Okay, that's enough! I'm thirsty!" I jumped up and began to run in no particular direction.

Emmett and Jasper caught up with me. Emmett chuckled, "Awh, come on! That time was really good!"

I shuddered. "I need time to come up with something equally as bad to do to both of you!"

"Oh, so all this time to get you to stop listening to our thoughts we just had to think of our sexcapades?" Jasper jeered.

"Who knew it was that easy!" Emmett called back.

I just kept running. It wasn't until I saw the bright white house that I realized I was running home. When I thought about it I knew I was going to talk to Carlisle. That is if _he_ wasn't already preoccupied. Without stopping I darted into the house. I released a sigh of relief when I saw Esme in the kitchen.

"Did you have fun? Where's Jasper and Emmett?"

I looked around and shrugged, "They were right behind me. Is Carlisle in his study?"

"Yes, is everything okay Edward?"

Not wanting to be rude, I assured Esme that everything was fine and then went toward the stairs. Rosalie was standing by my piano when I got there. I rolled my eyes.

"Alice had a vision about your bachelor party," Rosalie hid a delighted smirk.

I moved toward the staircase but Rosalie blocked me.

"Don't you want to know _our_ end of the fun? Don't you want to know _how_ to make it enjoyable for us _too_?"

"Thanks so much for your concern, Rosalie," I said condescendingly, "but I've really had enough for today. I need to talk to Carlisle and then I need to ask Alice something."

Rosalie moved out of my way. "Fine! Go ask Alice! She uses toys, you know!"

"Shutup Rosalie!"

Alice stopped me at the top of the stairs. "First, I already know what you're going to ask me. Anyway, the answer is no, I don't see you killing her. Please just stop obsessing and don't make me look anymore into it. I have a lot of preparations to work on! Just remember to bite a pillow!" With that Alice pranced down the stairs giggling.

My entire family thought this was some kind of hilarious joke. It really wasn't. None of them saw how dangerous this was for me and Bella. They didn't understand the internal battle that was raging inside me; how much I wanted to do this versus how much I knew I couldn't.

For the first instant since I was a human, time was short. And I was panicking. My mind bombarded me with questions while I tried to keep the images of Bella naked, at bay. How was I supposed to concentrate during it when senses were so heightened for vampires? How was I supposed to protect Bella through this? How was _I _supposed to get through this? _And how in the world was biting a pillow a going to help?!_

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